QUESTIONS FOR THE ETHER
Hello, this is a series of little rambling questions just to throw out into the great beyond. It doesn't have to mean anything. Hopefully it doesn't end up boring to witness me talk to myself about sad nothings.
Hello, this is a series of little rambling questions just to throw out into the great beyond. It doesn't have to mean anything. Hopefully it doesn't end up boring to witness me talk to myself about sad nothings.
When we are gone, when we aren't around, what do people think of us? What memories do they hold of us? Not even post-mortem. I want to know what people think when they think of me.
Am I remembered fondly? Am I remembered at all?
I hope that I can be remembered as a good person. I think a lot about leaving people unhappy in my past. I think the worst thing I can be is hated. I want to be on people's minds, that is probably quite narcissistic.
The hardest part of connections with people is when they are one day over. When people are gone from our lives we have so much that is left unsaid. There is no closure, we cannot reach the people we have hurt anymore. We can never make up for the past because we can no longer say anything to them. They would not listen. But it breaks my heart.
When we lose people, we can never tell them how much they meant, there is no future. It is a dead end and we just have to accept that it's going to be left incomplete. I think even if I got the chance to speak to them again, I wouldn't want it. It would be wrong, nothing I say could change anything.
Some days. Some days I think about ending things. I think, it wouldn't be so bad if I go now. Rather than going out at my lowest. Miserable and crying. Maybe I should have just one great day and then leave.
But even if I have a great time and I think I'll never feel this way again. I know I will feel something entirely new in the future. I will keep growing and experiencing. Becoming entirely new from the person of the past.
I don't believe there's a reason to leave. Even when it gets truly hard, even if tough times are coming. Even if we're weighed down deep. We keep on feeling, we keep on evolving within ourselves, we persist. That is enough. To exist at all is enough of a reason to keep going against it all.
I'm no stranger to that feeling, I'm no stranger to the effects it has. The ripples that are made when it hits your life. I don't think anyone should leave early. There is always more to life, an eternal reason to persist. We do not live simply because we fear death, we do not live for the sake of others, we do not live because we have no other choice. We live because life is amazing, even at its worst. We live to be alive. To feel all that life has inside it.
I try my best to be kind. I want to spread that kind of love to the world and the people around me. Sometimes I witness others making judgements on people. Saying they're unpleasant, rude. I think to myself, I worry, what if people make these sort of comments about me. I also think about why I find myself avoiding such statements. If someone asks my opinion about a person, I won't share heavy negatives. There isn't a need for me to speak ill of people around me.
I think if someone is mean, that negativity stems from a struggle within themselves. The times I have been rude is when I am stressed, sad, unhappy. I really do think that being kind is hard for some people. It takes effort to filter oneself and avoid making a careless mean comment.
But in my mind, I really can't imagine not putting in that effort. The other outcome is that you hurt people and spread a negativity into the world.
I get this question a lot. Where are you from?
'Where are you from?'
I hear you ask.
'Don't get me started.' I reply.
.
I am a tapestry of everyone
I have ever loved.
I am a museum of my heartbeat.
.
'Are you American?'
No, and I never have been
'Are you from down South?'
No, but I've known people who were.
.
'Where are you from?'
Here, and I always have been.
Born and raised yet my heart has travelled the world.
And maybe I speak from the heart.
Am I doing what I do in the hopes that others will see me and notice and be impressed? Or is it less of a performance and more of a cry for connection? To be recognised. Seeking a validation?
I suppose we all wear masks, social behaviours differing around others. Yet, despite thinking this, I do the same while alone. Is that more or less performative?
To continue regular behaviour even in social situations, is that the opposite of a performance? Or do I perform even for myself?
How genuine am I? Am I perhaps forcing myself to act? Is that not genuine? If it comes from a desire within myself. I like to think what I feel is real.
thank you for reading